Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Guitarists I won't ever talk shit about : Nuno Bettencourt

Why will I never talk shit about Nuno ? Well, first of all, because the guy is fucking handsome, and if you say shit about handsome guys, people will assume you're jealous and then your argument is invalid, whatever it is.
Not only is Nuno so hot your girlfriend would instantly drop you for a date with him, the guy is also endowed like a donkey, as we'll soon demonstrate.

You see, when asked about the transcription of his "Flight of the Wounded Bumblebee" in a magazine, Nuno said : "I've seen the transcription. It was really note-for-note, but I don't actually play all those notes, I'm using a delay, so I'm only playing one note out of two."

What kind of enormous shlong must you have, in the nineties, when every guitarist tries to become the next Yngwie Malmsteen and play faster than the next guy, to tackle the magazine who transcribed your song and bluntly say to guitar professionnals that you ACTUALLY PLAY TWICE SLOWER THAN THEY THOUGHT YOU DID ?!!!
Hey, DragonFraud fanboys, are you getting the hint or what ?

Speaking of which, I kind of remember that DragonFraud uses the most shameless excuse for not being able to play their own songs live : they're drunk.
That's too bad, because I have yet to see a guitar video where Nuno is not stoned like he's jet-lagged from another planet, and the guy STILL is able to nail his solo, and he even says he's sorry for "fucking it up". When asked to play it again slower, because as high as he is, he can STILL play it at full speed, he plays it... at nearly the same speed ! Is that guy dense or what ?!

No, he's not ! He's NUNO BETTENCOURT ! Nuno doesn't know what time is because he IS time ! The guy's so tight on ryhthm that the UTC would probably be 10% more accurate if it was based on Nuno's playing.

And when asked to design his own model of guitar, what kind of shit does he come up with ?
One of the best rock guitars ever made, no less !
Everyone who has already played on a N4 knows it's the real deal. The sound is just great, the design is practical and that Stephen's extended cutaway is just awesome.

Did I mention that Nuno was also proficient on many other instruments, like the drums ? Does he brag about it ? No, he doesn't. The reason people started to know that Nuno can play the drums is because Joe Satriani talked about it : you see, they all were at Sevilla in 1992 for a big guitar event, like some kind of penis competition, and when there were only guitar players on the stage for the rehearsal, people went like "Err...guys, we don't have a drummer". That's when Nuno put his guitar down and went behind the drums to help everyone because, you see, he didn't mind.
And other guitarists were just blown away.
How cool is that, huh ?!

But you know what ? Though those are
good enough reasons to praise Nuno, I haven't tell you yet why I respect him : the guy spends 99,9% of his talent in writing songs.
Though his shredding abilities can piss off even Mr Scary, who once called him a "fiery little fucker", Nuno doesn't shred that much. Being the Mandingo of the guitar world, he doesn't need to compensate for anything dick-related and thus doesn't try to impress other guys with endless fretboard masturbation.
He writes songs because songs are for cool guys, and are actually more difficult to write than some 3-chords-BGM you'll solo over for 5 minutes.

Did I mention the guy was fucking handsome ?


Blogger Jack said...

Come visit

1:51 AM  
Blogger andychrist said...

i like your blog, but i'm going to talk shit about nuno. I don't care how big his wang is! he's just not very impressive on the guitar. might just not be my style, but either way I don't like him.

5:50 AM  
Blogger El Negro said...

great words about Nuno, glad to know there´s ppl who understand what he´s about, and how real virtue is not about yngerness to display...greetz from BA, Argentina.

9:07 PM  
Blogger Massimo said...

Hi. Would you suggest me some of his best songs?

5:38 PM  
Blogger Robert Patrick said...

@Massimo : the song I like best is "if only", it is, in my opinion, a pure jewel. But I would recommend Extreme's "Pornograffiti" and Nuno's first solo album (don't remember the name).

9:16 PM  
Blogger puregarden said...

Schizophonic is Nuno's first album. I love the whole album itself, worth every single cent you paid for. I like his other songs with his bands (Mourning Widows, Dramagods & Population 1). Try to listen on these songs: Over and Out, QPD, Crave, Something about You, Megaton, Tragedy, Sick Punk, Gravity. I can give you a lot of songs to listen to and you just can't get enough of him.

and yes, He's Fucking handsome. He's a rocker with the clean Boyband look!lol. and up to this day (Dec 15, 2011) he's still the sexy, hot & gorgeous Nuno we all love since 1985!

4:57 PM  
Blogger Skat said...

Robert: Nuno's first solo album: SCHIZOPHONIC, by the way...
And personally, it's hard to me choose one song, but I like soooo much how sounds his guitar in "Am I Ever Gonna change" with Extreme's album "III Sides"

6:32 PM  
Blogger Matt Duchy Holland said...

@Robert Patrick & @Massimo the first solo album was Schizophonic but you should check out his bands since then Mourning Widows, Population 1 & Dramagods all of which are available on itunes. Best tracks? Monkey Paw, Furnished Souls For Rent, Warpaint, Too Late, Over & Out.... the list goes on and on.

His last album of any kind was with Extreme in 2008 and that has some great tunes on it! Check out Take Us Alive, only Nuno could rip through a clean lick like that at such velocity.

It's a shame he's preoccupied playing on tour with Rihanna rather than releasing his own stuff. BUT... he belongs on a stage of that magnitude and as good as his albums have been, they've just not had the backing to promote them sufficiently to warrant anything like an arena tour.

7:41 PM  
Blogger puregarden said...

I agree with you @Matt, Nuno should have have work on something better than what he's doing with Rihanna right now. I hate it when that girl had guesting, they don't even credit or special mention of Nuno like on the American Idol. Oh well, because we all love Nuno, we just need to support him.

Another thing, I love the song "Ghost".. They have develop and experiment a lot on their music, for me it doesn't bore me. I could listen whole day on all of their albums especially Nuno's.

5:01 PM  

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