Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Guitarists I won't ever talk shit about : Nuno Bettencourt


Why will I never talk shit about Nuno ? Well, first of all, because the guy is fucking handsome, and if you say shit about handsome guys, people will assume you're jealous and then your argument is invalid, whatever it is.
Not only is Nuno so hot your girlfriend would instantly drop you for a date with him, the guy is also endowed like a donkey, as we'll soon demonstrate.

You see, when asked about the transcription of his "Flight of the Wounded Bumblebee" in a magazine, Nuno said : "I've seen the transcription. It was really note-for-note, but I don't actually play all those notes, I'm using a delay, so I'm only playing one note out of two."

What kind of enormous shlong must you have, in the nineties, when every guitarist tries to become the next Yngwie Malmsteen and play faster than the next guy, to tackle the magazine who transcribed your song and bluntly say to guitar professionnals that you ACTUALLY PLAY TWICE SLOWER THAN THEY THOUGHT YOU DID ?!!!
Hey, DragonFraud fanboys, are you getting the hint or what ?

Speaking of which, I kind of remember that DragonFraud uses the most shameless excuse for not being able to play their own songs live : they're drunk.
That's too bad, because I have yet to see a guitar video where Nuno is not stoned like he's jet-lagged from another planet, and the guy STILL is able to nail his solo, and he even says he's sorry for "fucking it up". When asked to play it again slower, because as high as he is, he can STILL play it at full speed, he plays it... at nearly the same speed ! Is that guy dense or what ?!

No, he's not ! He's NUNO BETTENCOURT ! Nuno doesn't know what time is because he IS time ! The guy's so tight on ryhthm that the UTC would probably be 10% more accurate if it was based on Nuno's playing.

And when asked to design his own model of guitar, what kind of shit does he come up with ?
One of the best rock guitars ever made, no less !
Everyone who has already played on a N4 knows it's the real deal. The sound is just great, the design is practical and that Stephen's extended cutaway is just awesome.

Did I mention that Nuno was also proficient on many other instruments, like the drums ? Does he brag about it ? No, he doesn't. The reason people started to know that Nuno can play the drums is because Joe Satriani talked about it : you see, they all were at Sevilla in 1992 for a big guitar event, like some kind of penis competition, and when there were only guitar players on the stage for the rehearsal, people went like "Err...guys, we don't have a drummer". That's when Nuno put his guitar down and went behind the drums to help everyone because, you see, he didn't mind.
And other guitarists were just blown away.
How cool is that, huh ?!

But you know what ? Though those are
good enough reasons to praise Nuno, I haven't tell you yet why I respect him : the guy spends 99,9% of his talent in writing songs.
Though his shredding abilities can piss off even Mr Scary, who once called him a "fiery little fucker", Nuno doesn't shred that much. Being the Mandingo of the guitar world, he doesn't need to compensate for anything dick-related and thus doesn't try to impress other guys with endless fretboard masturbation.
He writes songs because songs are for cool guys, and are actually more difficult to write than some 3-chords-BGM you'll solo over for 5 minutes.

Did I mention the guy was fucking handsome ?